15: From Resentful To Grateful

In this heartfelt episode, I reflect on the journey of healing and gratitude through the lens of my relationship with my dad, who is currently battling dementia. I share a pivotal moment in my teenage years when his unwavering belief in me ignited my determination to overcome adversity, shaping the trajectory of my life.

I also open up about the complex evolution of our relationship—moving from fear and resentment to deep understanding and gratitude. Along the way, I explore how pain and love can coexist, the power of healing through empathy, and the importance of expressing gratitude, even when it's imperfect or overdue.

Join me as I share this deeply personal story and the lessons I've learned, in the hope that it inspires you to reflect on your own relationships and find healing, growth, and gratitude in your journey.

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Transcript

Thanksgiving is coming up in the US, a season when many of us take a moment to reflect on the people and experiences we are grateful for. 

While gratitude is something we strive to practice every day, this time of year provides a unique opportunity to pause, look back, and appreciate those who've shaped our lives.

Today, I want to share a deeply personal story about someone I am profoundly grateful for, my dad. Unfortunately, he is dying from dementia and I'll never have the chance to share this gratitude with him directly. 

Reflecting on our journey has brought me healing, clarity, and a deeper understanding of love.

I hope it inspires you to reflect on your own relationships.

Welcome back to Grounded Confidence. I'm Coco Duan, a former Fortune 500 senior executive turned life coach. I empower successful yet self-doubting women executives to build Grounded Confidence from the inside out. So they become unstoppable in achieving their goals. 

If you haven't already hit that subscribe button, so you don't miss any future episodes.

I want to take you back to a pivotal moment in my life. 

Picture this. I'm sitting at my desk, staring blankly out of the window, feeling a boulder sitting on my chest, tears streaming down my face. I'm thinking to myself, this is impossible. I can't do it. I feel defeated, desperate and depressed.

Have you ever felt a low point in your life when you lost belief in yourself?

That's when I hear the door of my room cracks open. My dad walks in and sits next to me. He puts his hand on my shoulder. 

He says to me, “Coco, looks like things are not going well at school. I want to tell you something”. His voice cracks, and I see tears in his eyes.

Just a few months earlier, things are completely different. 

I am on top of the world. I'm a straight A student, class president, actively involved in dancing and sports. And I'm surrounded by students like me and supportive teachers. 

That's when I discover my ambition. I realized the town I live in.

It's just way too small and boring for me. And I dream of going to a college in a big city to explore the exciting outside world. My life feels colorful, joyful, and hopeful.

Then comes the final exam of middle school. The result of that exam determines the high school placement. I'm the third place out of 250 students. I'm thrilled about that. 

Until I find out the girl in the first place goes to the best high school in the region. The girl in second place goes to the second-best school in the region.

While me being the third place might as well be in the 30th place. I don't get any special treatment. I end up going to the only high school in my little town and it's notoriously bad.

Some students don't even bring pencils to class, let alone ambition.

Sometimes the classroom is so loud. I swear you can hear it from the outer space. I'm trying to learn and listen to teachers, but every time I lean in, people behind me will start a shouting match, a full-blown karaoke session, or a rap battle. 

In a matter of weeks, my life is flipped upside down. My hope of leaving the small town and going to a big city is shattered. I come home every day and cry in my room alone. I don't want my parents to worry, so I pretend everything is okay.

I don't even realize that my dad notices it until he walks in, sits next to me, puts his hand on my shoulder and says to me, “Coco, looks like things are not going well at school. I want to tell you something.” His voice cracks and I see tears in his eyes.

He says, “most families in China favor boys over girls, but I've always favored you over your brother. You are very special to me. Remember, your brother went to college by studying at this school. If he can do it, you can absolutely do it. It's not about the school, it's about you. But if you want to transfer to a better school, I'll borrow money for you to do that. But I believe in you and you can do it. What do you say?” 

His words deeply touched me and lit fire under my belly. I straightened up and wiped my tears, and I said to him, “Dad, I am staying, and I will go to college.” 

That commitment fueled the next three grueling years of my life. And I studied harder than ever. 

Three years later, I got admitted to one of the top universities in China. And remember the first-place girl who went to the best high school in the region. She and I ended up in the same university.

When I was at my lowest point and lost belief in myself, my dad's unwavering belief in me gave me the strength that I desperately needed. And that changed the trajectory of my life. 

Sometimes we need someone else to believe in us before we can believe in ourselves. 

My dad did that for me. I'm forever grateful for that.

That moment happened almost 30 years ago, but reflecting on it still brings tears to my eyes. 

It was one of the few times I truly felt my dad's love. Growing up, I knew my dad loved me, but I rarely felt it. 

Reflecting on that experience, feeling the love from him is extraordinary. 

And our relationship has been a journey.

When I was young until about 11 years old, I mostly feared him. 

He was strict, focused on discipline, and quick to punish. Mistakes or less-than-straight A's often led to slaps across my face, belt lashings, or being forced to kneel on a washing board. 

If you don't know what a washing board is, it's an old-fashioned tool for washing clothes. It was very common back then in China - rectangular wooden frame with a corrugated metal surface. Just imagine. Kneeling on it was excruciating. I never felt physically or emotionally safe. 

When I turned 12, things began to shift. He stopped using physical punishment. He became somewhat more nurturing and started to offer guidance. I began to respect him. 

At 18, I left home for college. While I continued to revere him, I felt an emotional distance that persisted into my adult life. 

Three years ago, I started unpacking the impact of my childhood. I realized that many of my problematic behavior patterns, such as low self-confidence, people-pleasing, and self-criticism,

fear of failure, of judgment, perfectionism, you name it, a lot of them were deeply rooted in those early experiences. 

So for a while I felt resentment toward my dad. I blamed him for screwing me up. 

However, as I delved into deeper healing work, processing my pain, allowing myself to truly feel the emotions of my younger self, and learning how to meet my own needs of safety and being seen, heard, and understood. 

I began to release that resentment. In doing so, I came to understand his struggles, his limitations and the wounds he carried. 

Over time, I've been able to feel the deep love behind his actions, even when they caused me pain. 

This year, I've reached a new level of gratitude for him. His high expectations and unwavering belief in me gave me strength, resilience, and tools to succeed.

I realized that the journey from resentment to gratitude isn't just about my relationship with my dad. It's about my relationship with myself, how I process pain, embrace growth, and find peace within my story.

What I learned from this experience and this journey is a few things. 

1.     Pain and love can coexist. Our parents can love us deeply while unintentionally causing us pain.

Acknowledging this duality helps release black and white thinking and allows us to see people in their full complexity. 

Gratitude doesn't diminish the pain. Gratitude isn't about ignoring the pain, but about recognizing the value of the journey. 

And it's possible to honor both the hurt and the love simultaneously. Both can be true. The love and the pain.

2.     Relationships evolve over time, especially with parents. 

My relationship with my dad evolved through distinct phases, fear, respect, distance, understanding, and ultimately gratitude.

This evolution reflects my personal growth and my willingness to revisit and reinterpret the past. Moving from resentment to gratitude is not an instant transformation. 

It's a gradual process of introspection, healing and reframing.

And choosing gratitude over resentment empowers me to own my story and shape my future.

3.     Healing requires understanding and empathy. Resentment often stems from unprocessed pain and unmet needs. 

And that's the work that you need to do for yourself. No one else can do it for you. And it is a process. And you need to find a safe and supportive environment for you to do that.

Understanding my dad's struggles, limitations, and then the context of his actions fostered empathy and shifted my perspective. 

And seeing the why behind his behavior doesn't excuse the pain, but it helps to humanize him and ease resentment. 

4. The importance of expressing gratitude.

When possible, expressing your gratitude to those who've shaped your life, even if imperfectly. 

If direct communication isn't feasible, journaling or personal reflection can be powerful tools for closure and healing. 

Here sharing my story about my dad, it's part of my own healing process and it's therapeutic.

What does this mean for you? 

I challenge you to reflect on a relationship in your life where you feel resentment. 

Before reaching gratitude, focus on processing the pain, and heal emotional wounds from that experience.

it's crucial to have a safe and supportive environment to truly feel and address the physical and emotional sensations tied to that experience, either through therapy or coaching. 

This process of unburdening yourself from resentment creates space for gratitude. 

You will never get to gratitude until you release yourself from resentment because gratitude cannot be forced. It must be genuine. And when it is, you will feel it deeply. 

When you do feel gratitude, and if you have the chance, express gratitude towards the person. Don't wait. The opportunity may never come again.

Just like the case with my dad. If expressing gratitude directly isn't possible, consider writing a letter, journaling, or sharing your reflections like I've done here.

The act of feeling and expressing gratitude is a powerful step toward healing.

I am grateful to you for listening to my story. I hope it inspires you to reflect, heal, and perhaps take steps toward your own journey of gratitude.

To learn more about how I help successful yet self-doubting women executives build Grounded Confidence and become unstoppable in achieving their goals, visit www.cocoduancoaching.com.

Until next time, remember to be kind to yourself.